Wednesday, May 27, 2009
1. A woman's brassiere, even one of generous proportions, is not a suitable receptacle for your goldfish while cleaning out his bowl (tip: I was surprised to learn that these mysterious undergarments absorb water. Maybe I shouldn't have drunk so much absinthe in medical school)
2. Laughing at invalids proves to be a poor strategy for picking up women. Especially invalid ones.
3. The perfect omelet should contain eggs culled from beneath the downy underside of a Rhode Island Red. Mix with tarragon, and serve with sausages and tea for a delightful morning treat. What am I doing in your kitchen? Why put down the pistol, I haven't answered your question yet my dear....
4. Just because you're not a surgeon doesn't mean you can't try to be one. Ha, this one time I removed a man's kidney. Of course that didn't solve the pain in his lower leg but I paid no heed to his griping. After all, you only need one kidney!
5. The best product name of all time is Twiglets. Don't dispute me on this.
6. If you want to be a true ladies man you must cultivate the perfect mustache. I have, and let me tell you, it has led me to many wonders of human pleasure. Women love a lengthy, well-maintained crop of hair above the lip.
7. If you feel your neck snap don't wuss out and die. Hold it together like a man while I rummage through my bag for a hand drill and a bit of masking tape.
8. Never solicit advice from a man wearing a beanie. A man wearing a beanie is probably trying to hide something. Like a bald spot. Or a portal to the depths of Hades.
9. If you listen to enough Ted Nugent solos your youth will be rocking but your ears will later turn into mounds of rotting meat that will foul the air with their putrification.
10. It's OK to say I don't know. It's my response to questions such as "What is this gross discoloration?" "How much time do I have doc?" and "How did you ever obtain a medical license?"